You Are A Badass at Setting Boundaries

Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them. - Brene Brown

We don't often link integrity or value to boundaries. But an important piece of boundaries is actually to help us define what's important, how we want to live, and how we go about creating structures that allow us to do that. Boundaries also help us re-gain traction when we feel stuck, or all over the place. They give us a frame to work within.

It can be useful to think of boundaries in terms of categories. It makes it easier to figure out where you sit currently, where you’d like to be, and how to move toward that.

The Three Types of Boundaries Are Porous, Rigid and Healthy

1. Porous - Boundaries are permeable

2. Rigid - Like a stone wall

3. Healthy - Somewhere between - like a well built fence


POROUS: People with porous boundaries allow too much in and out. People pleasers and highly sensitive folks struggle here. We give too much, take on too much and don't top up enough with self-care (energy going in).

If your boundaries are porous, here are a few steps you can take:

  • Think about what you'd like your limits to be. Write them down or tell someone.

  • Say no. If you feel exhausted thinking about it, it's a no.

  • Assert yourself. If you are being mistreated, speak up. This might feel unsafe, and you might need a support person. Just know that you deserve to be treated well.

  • Know where your responsibilities begin and end. This can be confusing, but think about it anyway.

  • Vulnerability is beautiful, but it’s not safe to be vulnerable with everyone. Only do it when it's valued.

RIGID: Those with rigid boundaries find it more difficult to let others in. They've been hurt repeatedly so it feels safer to keep people at arm's length. If we keep people out because we worry about rejection, it's hard for them to love us fully. This can be lonely.

If your boundaries are rigid, here are a few steps you can take:

  • Try not to cut people off at the first mistake. Doing the hard work of giving people a chance and working through things is valuable.

  • Try not to take things personally. If you're a perfectionist or have a loud self critic, it's tempting to think it's about you, but maybe it’s not.

  • Make some exceptions - to your routine, to your schedule, to what you allow yourself.

  • Be vulnerable when you can. Opening lines of communication rather than shutting down is a great opportunity to do this.

  • Practice self-compassion. Loving ourselves is key to allowing others in.

HEALTHY: People with healthy boundaries are confident, self-assured, trust their own opinion, and know what they want and need.

They are:

  • Able to ask for help

  • Don’t compromise their values.

  • Say yes when it’s possible and no when it’s not.

  • Are flexible and can go with the flow, but also mindful of their routine and what keeps them well.

  • Know within themselves when it feels appropriate to be vulnerable and when they’re better keeping it to themselves.

  • I don't know anyone that gets this right all the time. If I were to think of a public figure who's nailing it, I'd go straight to Michelle Obama. Or Beyonce.🔥

COMBINATION: We're not always one or the other. We might be porous in some areas and rigid in others. We might have healthy boundaries at work and struggle in our intimate relationships. Or we might let some people in too much and keep our partner or friends at arm's length.

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU NEED A BOUNDARY ADJUSTMENT?


1. Notice your feelings

Feelings are signposts. They will tell you whether a boundary has been crossed. You may not know what boundary it is- but you will know if you feel annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt or resentful.

EXAMPLE: when I'm working from home I like to be really focused. My partner is a "chat by the water cooler" kind of guy. When I put on my tiara (Yes, I have a tiara that I borrowed from my children). When I have it on, he's not supposed to pop in with what I'd consider random and irrelevant convo. If he does, he's likely to get raised eyebrows or a "Seriously, dude?" from me.

2. Think of your muscles

A healthy muscle is equally capable of relaxation and contraction. If our muscles are constantly tense or contracted, we will suffer. If they are constantly at rest, we'll also suffer. The trick is to move between relaxation and contraction. Vulnerability allows us to connect, but without the strength to support it, we'll get lost. We need a strong back and an open heart.


3. Remember the Consequences of Not Having Boundaries.

If you’re struggling to set one, try to remember what it was like not to have them. You limit your ability maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships. That's not fair to you.


4. Keep Learning.

If you'd like a great little (3 page) primer on boundaries you can find one at Setting Healthy Boundaries. I'm not affiliated with them, I just think it's useful.

Go well, and set good boundaries. You deserve them.

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

Sonia Voldsethmental health, boundaries, self confidence, healthy boundaries