Why Can't You Hear Me?

It's gutting when you work up the courage to set a boundary - and then you're not heard, understood or acknowledged. It's disheartening, disempowering, and discouraging. A whole lotta disses.

This usually happens because the person you’re speaking to (the recipient of your boundary) reads the boundary as threatening and becomes flooded. When we’re flooded, the rational part of our brain (pre-frontal cortex) goes offline. Then we disappear into fight or flight (or freeze or fawn - the lesser known responses). When we’re in this space, it's important to TAKE TIME OUT. It can be useful to come up with a code word (my favourite is pineapple🍍because it's just so goofy). When you say pineapple that means “Hey, we’re both triggered to an extent that we know a productive conversation isn’t going to happen. Let’s come back to it in 20 minutes (or longer) and talk it out”.

Ideally, once that's happened, a rational, productive discussion can occur.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always. The person you’re speaking to might have had time to cool down - but doesn’t have the skills or capacity to continue the conversation.

You're left hanging, and you will likely feel your needs are being ignored.

Why does this happen?

If we haven’t been taught communication skills or the ability to look inward we resort to common defence mechanisms: Stonewalling, Defensiveness, Contempt and Criticism. These were developed by Drs John and Julie Gottman from the Gottman Institute. They’ve been researching couples for over 40 years, boiled these unhelpful coping strategies down and called them The Four Horsemen of Relationships.

Stonewalling

If someone is stonewalling you, they might be tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or literally shutting the door. They’re protecting themselves and can’t open to you. It can actually feel like a stone wall. There’s no getting in and you’re getting nothing out. It’s hurtful to be the recipient of this. It’s also hurtful to be in the space of feeling like you have to shut people out to avoid being hurt.

Defensiveness

Defensive behaviour stems from someone that struggles to take responsibility for their part in conflict or circumstances, or reasons you’re trying to establish a boundary. It might sound like:

Request: It would mean a lot to me if you picked up your towel when you’re finished in the bathroom. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you - but it would make my life feel easier.

Answer:

Nothing I do is good enough for you.

Why do you expect so much from me?

Can’t you see how hard I’m trying?

When someone is in this space, it’s difficult for them to hear what you’re really saying. They don’t know how to take it on board without it sounding like criticism.

Criticism

Criticism stems from someone that needs someone else to blame - in order to feel better themselves. They may feel very hurt inside and need to project that pain. It might sound like:

Well you always do this ……

You never do that ……..

Why can’t you ever ……….?

Words like never and always indicate that there is something wrong with the other person, rather than the situation. That can feel like an assault or rejection.

Contempt

Contempt stems from feeling inferior but not knowing how to deal with that sense of inferiority. People that act out in this way might call names, roll their eyes, sneer or sigh. Contempt says I am so much better than you. It’s disrespectful and really damaging to a relationship. It might sound like:

I don’t know why I even bother with this relationship.

You just cannot get this.

Why are you so stupid?

If you’re on the receiving end of contempt make sure to remember it is not about you. It is about the other person.

How To Stand Your Ground

It’s possible to recognise that someone is hurting, and still maintain a sense of self-respect. Here are a few tips to make sure you stand your ground:

I've been trying to tell you how I feel and no matter how I phrase it, you make it my problem. This isn't fair to me.

It's no longer okay with me to be treated this way. If you are prepared to engage with me in a more productive way, please let me know.

If you continue to ...... put me down, ignore me, minimise my concerns, blame me or shift responsibility (choose one or all), I will not discuss this with you.

This isn't useful. I'm not going to engage in this discussion. If you continue to treat me like this, I'll end our relationship/ limit the amount of time we spend together.

If you yell at me like that again, I will leave the room/ house/ area.

If you hold what I tell you against me, I'm not going to share anything with you.

Sometimes it just feels impossible to connect even when you have the language. You might want to reach out to a professional to help you through the deeper issues.

A Few Reminders

You don't need to over-explain. If you've asked for what you want or need honestly and thoughtfully⁠, are willing to receive feedback⁠ and continue to engage in productive conversation⁠you've done enough.⁠

If you've put up with behaviour you wished you hadn't, recognise you've done the best you can - and create an intention to move forward differently.

At the end of the day, you decide what's healthy and what you're willing to tolerate. You don't need to feel bad about deciding what's best for you.